Tuesday, August 05, 2014

Remember, remember the 4th of August

1 year on from the evening of 4 August 2013, I'm still alive and so thankful to be (:

whizzer; 9:18:00 am

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

discovery

I believe this blog has turned into a journal of significant events that I'd like to reminisce about in the future. Or at the end of this week when I'll probably still be bored. So it's probably be a good time to look back at the year that's gone by before I head back home to begin the face-stuffing and catching up with friends.

Such an eventful 3rd year at Imperial has gone by that it'd be impractical to run through everything that's happened, especially amidst clearing candy crush levels while typing this. Yet, I shall attempt to list some things that have lodged themselves in my long-term memory bank, just so these meager words might trigger the torrential flood of memories again when I next read this:

• [end of 2nd year] Start-of-something-special Munich trip.
• Marvelous summer with special friends complete with life-changing event (this really deserves a post of its own, but then it'll be like writing another coherent yet interesting article which is way beyond my rapidly ebbing level of focus).
• Memorable end-of-2nd-summer US East Coast tour with RV bros.
• Best house mates and house mate times ever at Barkston Gardens.
• Frustrating yet fulfilling Major Event for the 3rd year running and the thrill of performance.
• Tragic 2 hours of twilight per day Norway escapade with exceptional friends.
• Stressful, then messy and creamy celery-themed birthday extravaganza.
• Windy and chill exotic Malta expedition with extraordinary friends.
• First time flying alone to go for fatty French trip with the best of friends.
• Loneliest time ever at UCLA summer school.

Which brings me now to my 4th last day in Los Angeles. I really have no right to whine about being alone in LA because that's precisely what I thought I'd try doing since I couldn't find anyone to come with me to summer school. Well, the process of self-discovery was completed by the end of my first week here. Business Law and Urban Planning are fascinating modules and I thoroughly enjoy them, and that I'm doing well at. But it sucked big time to be away from all friends and family, something I should have known I would have felt, especially having to fly off the day after getting back to London from France in the company of friends I've come to treasure in a way I never knew how to before. And so I whined and was needy on WhatsApp. Way too much. It was terrible in those first few days, when time seemed to take forever to pass. At the same time, there was long-distance coordination and planning to do for OCF summer events, which I wisely chose to be in-charge of, apparently forgetting that I was going to be in a different continent, which I knew had to be attended to even though I'd have rather just moped and felt sad.

Thank God for unexpectedly present friends, friends (old and new) who visited, and friends who could be visited. Nothing really helped the feeling of longing though, and day after day passed so slowly as I counted down the weeks to the day of my flight home. Life sucked for a long while, even while I tried to squash the feeling of suckiness and spend my time productively. Yet, this was the period of time I found out a lot about the way I think and behave as I read books like Tim Keller's Counterfeit Gods and Malcolm Gladwell's What The Dog Saw. It was in what I dramatised to be my emotional valley of death that I once again learnt to lean on my only true source of comfort, when communicating with anyone else, even those I consider to be my closest friends, didn't help to ease the misery. Dear Bennett of the future, you really weren't exaggerating when you typed this. You were so lonely. Poor boy. That said, I'm thankful for any form of communication with friends offered throughout this period, even simple things like the completely random Skype call from Ting Wei to check if I was disheveled and sobbing ceaselessly in anguish. And electronic hugs haha. Hugs always work (: All in, it's been a revealing 5 weeks and 7 hours, to say the least.

Ok I'm tired of trying to type in proper sentences with proper grammar and wondering how to phrase my thoughts coherently. Enough about summer school anyway. On to the next phase of summer with more coordination of OCF events and my final Sojourn as a participant. Having thought through so many life issues in all this time away, must apply right? So I'm going to cherish the times spent with close friends who I might/will not see for the next year, and maybe for years after that, and not let this emoness rule me every time I think about it. Actually it might really be a long long time away from them ='( STOP STOP ok life is tough so deal with it. At least now I know that I'm going to be conscious of not letting such amazing friendships slip away, not after hurting and pushing away 3 of my dearest friends almost consecutively in recent years. Reconciliation is a tough nut to crack, seriously.

About these friends, I really hope these relationships haven't changed since this post, at least not for the worse. Reflecting on them a month ago, it occurred to me that they're the only group of friends I've ever had who I've never lied to or thought of hiding from, even considering my other close friends of more than 10 years, and it struck me how incredibly special this is. Sounds like a very cheesy and lame adolescent blog comment because it's such a good and angelic thing to say, but when this trait was tested last week, it didn't fail, and I think for the first time in my life I found it ok to be honest about something I was afraid of saying. I was glad, really. Going to try my hardest not to let stupid, immature mistakes of the past mock my current and future relationships. Now I'm just glad to have these besties in my life (:

AAAAND my attention span is been stretched way beyond it's limit. More or less ended at the last bullet point I think. Time to finish studying for finals, now that I've let out all the restlessness of the night of absolute boredom. Till the next time I'm bored out of my mind. OUT.

whizzer; 2:04:00 pm

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Quarter-life comfort

Quoted in 12 May 2013 sermon, All Souls, Langham Place, London

whizzer; 9:45:00 pm

Friday, April 22, 2011

Sliding

Love incarnate, love divine
Captivate this heart of mine
Til all I do speaks of You



Behold the Lamb who bears our sins away,
Slain for us: and we remember
The promise made that all who come in faith
Find forgiveness at the cross.

So we share in this Bread of life,
And we drink of His sacrifice,
As a sign of our bonds of peace
Around the table of the King.

The body of our Savior, Jesus Christ,
Torn for you: eat and remember
The wounds that heal, the death that brings us life,
Paid the price to make us one.

The blood that cleanses every stain of sin,
Shed for you: drink and remember
He drained death's cup that all may enter in
To receive the life of God.

And so with thankfulness and faith
We rise to respond: and to remember.
Our call to follow in the steps of Christ
As His body here on earth.

As we share in His suffering,
We proclaim: Christ will come again!
And we'll join in the feast of heaven
Around the table of the King.

whizzer; 9:52:00 pm

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Wah 1st post of 2011

I spent an hour last night reading my 2007/2008 blog archives. JC life was so interesting heh. Though it's sad to realise that some friends I used to be really close to aren't so much anymore because of circumstances and other people they've met. I really miss the times my class spent together in class, during breaks, after school, lying under the stars at class adventure camp etc. Simple times like eating porridge with sabby and eric on wednesdays, drinking grass jelly/michael jackson after PE, playing captain's ball in the amphi, mini birthday celebrations, are what made my class the best I've ever had. And I'm incredibly thankful for all my wonderful classmates from 08S03M.

ANYWAY, below is the write-up I originally prepared for 11th LOCC's course magazine, but later decided it wasn't very suitable for a course mag, especially since it will be printed and immortalised on paper haha. Below that are some shout-outs to the fun ex-Cadets of 11th LOCC I thought of when I was bored to death in the computer lab in ICES on my favourite Jurong island.



Dearest 11th LOCC,


So very quickly, the 17 week long lifestyle of spending 24 hours a day, practically 6 days a week with all of you ended with the completion of our VES on 19 Nov 2010. Memories of that last night when we went down for our final last parade at the car porch to have you all encaged Melvin and me in a semi-circle and sing “The Way You Are” followed by a water parade with much of the water ending up on us still linger on in my mind. Honestly, I would have loved to seen 11th LOCC through to commissioning, but greater things beckoned. Like SNUBA diving in Phuket. All in all, it’s been great fun getting to know all of you through all the random activities and exercises in LOCC. Naturally, its been a process of self-discovery for myself too, like finding out in ROC that I’m naggy and have OCD. Thanks for these wonderful revelations yeah. Also for the quirky moments in syndicate rooms and such where completely weird and unexpected things happen.

Well, that’s it then. GOOD RIDDANCE FOLKS! Haha just kidding. You know I love y’all lots. It’s been both a joy and a pain to have instructed 11th LOCC. Take care and have a good time in your next year as you create your own memories while embarking on what I’m sure will be a wonderful journey of discovery filled with your own ups and downs! God bless (:


Best regards,
Mr (but wishes it was still LTA) Bennett Tan



---Random Shout-Outs---

Shi Xuan: Thanks for telling me that I’m naggy and have OCD during XSE I haha. Your performance during the Eagle series of exercises constantly impressed me, especially in ROC when CO sat in for your presentation and tried to stump you with some questions about your CSS plan, and I was quivering in fright because I thought you were going to foam and die LOL. But you handled yourself really well and it was a joy and relief everytime you pulled through. More like blazed through actually, stunning me in the process each time. Thinking back to Ex Eagle I, it was really funny observing you being so bimz when you were sleep-deprived and almost raving though HAHA. Nonetheless, it was great having you around, someone who always knew what was going on with the exercise situation and plan, which made it less of a “aiyah this exercise sucks la just anyhow do” kind of experience each time (:

Wei Liang: Remember our climb down Mt Biang during Ex Mountain Rat? Just so you know, when [to 2LT Bennett] “EH, my compass with you right babe” happened, you almost ended up being thrown into a ravine and buried under the rubble. It was great fun having you and the gang liven up the mood then though, especially on the rainy and cold second night on Biang. Of course you made a fantastic first CWSM too :p I think most of all, I really appreciate your frankness and sincerity regardless of circumstance. Cut down on the rokoks k (:

Faidzal: Thanks for being such a joy (and a joke) throughout the course. My first recollection of you was in SOCJOT where “Sir, 2 men recce!”…..“OK!” became a hit during Ex Nomad, and during the nights camped out on ridgelines when you were a noisy beaver. A hilarious one nonetheless and it’s been extremely entertaining and fun seeing and hearing your nonsense a lot of times :D Keep up the spontaneity! But please know when would be an appropriate moment to be yourself. During times like exercises and meetings in the future, I just feel it would be better not to let yourself go ya? (:

Daniel: Somehow or other I started off 11th LOCC taking Platoon 1 Sections 3 & 4 for activities and exercises. Not too long after, I noticed you were always the one sitting behind the computer preparing slides for presentations and reading manuals. Which reminded me of myself being hardworking in 9th LOCC hahahaha. While I’m sure you’d have loved to become an Instructor, sadly, the honour wasn’t yours to have (: I still remember you as the guy in my SOCJOT team who I could only recognise when you talked coz your voice was so low hahaha (at that time all of you looked the same ya so not my fault I couldn’t recognise). Again, I appreciated having someone around in the Syndicate who sucked up info fast and knew what was happening during discussions and stuff. If not, the Syndicate room would have probably ended up being a party room with Faidzal/Leonard et al. Btw, I think you have a good ear for harmonies and match Justin’s voice really well :p

Raphael: I’ve never met anyone as eccentric, yet so diligent and smart as you. In my life. So much so that while I know you’ll do great at whatever you attempt wherever you are, I worry about how you’ll cope with less-than-understanding people in a diplomatic sense. Nonetheless, I totally admire the way you invest all your energy into making sure you’re not just good, but excellent at what you do, like during exercises when you mug manuals and memorise CSS and fighting doctrines beforehand and analyse and monitor your team’s plan and maps throughout. Everytime I saw you at work, it gave me hope for 11th LOCC. HAHA KIDDING I know your batch is fantastic (: Hope to see you in the UK next time primary school junior :D

Leonard: I must say that I was quite impressed with your determination since the first PC interview when I heard your NS story, and thereafter as the course progressed. As annoying as you are, I have to say you are a very responsible guy, which all the Instructors noticed when you were Store IC :p Besides if not for you, who would have dragged a half-naked under-aged girl to take photo for us during Cohesion Day and gotten her email for a Facebook add?

Hock Seng: When you first told me that you and a few other guys were going to have a study group meeting on CSS Ops after cohesion day, and later asked for extra lesson outside of camp on CSSB and battle procedure, I honestly didn’t know what to think. Obviously my first thought was “are you serious -.-“. But when others said that you loved doing these things and found happiness in doing so, I realised you’re really mad. HAHA kidding. You were probably the most hard-working Cadet in 11th LOCC (ok maybe Raphael can contest this), and it was quite relieving to see that this kind of spirit lives on in SOL. But please smile more often and don’t look so uptight and serious all the time =)

Chen Yang: CHINA BOY! Sometimes I want to punch you (actually a lot of times), but taking into consideration I’d probably have been charged and longzhao asked me to be nice to you, be thankful I have tremendous self-control. To be honest, I believe you’re a very sweet guy when you want to be, while being quirky and funny, which I guess is what makes you somewhat endearing and easy to get along with (: rock on ya XD

Justin: You and Daniel form the most vocally-sound pair I’ve met in NS haha. Besides your musical talent, your friendly personality together with your humility and sincerity make you a very worthwhile friend to have, I think. My wondrously random memory calls to mind the first night during Ex Nomad at our harbour site, when Faidzal was terrorising Sufyan under the makeshift shelter when it was raining, and Sufyan was like “it’s ok, as long as “. Must be nice to have such a comforting effect on people. Or be such a close friend to someone else (:

Sufyan: Yours was the only pair of eyes I couldn’t miss the first time you guys came to SOL before SOCJOT :D and honestly I think you look like Puss-In-Boots from Shrek, not trying to laugh at you or anything (: thanks for being such a sport and dancing and stuff and putting up with everyone’s nonsense throughout the course. Resident baby of 11th LOCC, you were definitely more than that in your performance during the course. Please get yijun to teach you how to grow larger so you won’t get bullied next time :p

Victor: Thanks for the 3 minutes or so of entertainment on one of the last nights in Meilin Camp in ROC when you and Ka Wai so happily ran around the 4th and 5th floors after so cleverly climbing the central staircase and bumping into me :p yeah ok I just wanted to say that because I thought that was the most dumb-funny offence committed in MLC XD

Gabriel and Zhong Hong: Have lots of fun with 12th/13th LOCC! XD but really, the interaction and overall journey with Cadets is very fulfilling. When you wake up at 0500hrs to prepare for SOC or IPPT or some other nonsense and feel like life is tough, think of…the breakfast that will follow in the mess/canteen/takeaway-from-outside-kopitiam after its over :D enjoy getting fed/fat! (But please don’t get owned by too many Cadets during LIFE runs). Anyway, know that it’s definitely not easy to take Officer Cadets and only THE BEST of each graduating course are rewarded this HUGE privilege, that’s why when others laugh and mock, it’s only because they’re infinitely jealous. And when you feel very frustrated with how things are done in SOL and get exhausted at fighting multiple fires everyday, remember that you can’t simply throw in the towel, even when you see that others don’t give a hoot, because ultimately the ones who will suffer are the Cadets. Whatever the case, those who matter have faith in your abilities and believe that you will prove your mettle in time to come. I’m proud to have you both as grand-understudy instructors (: May the legacy of midnight suppers and takeaways at odd hours of the day live on!

whizzer; 6:51:00 pm