Wednesday, July 30, 2014

discovery

I believe this blog has turned into a journal of significant events that I'd like to reminisce about in the future. Or at the end of this week when I'll probably still be bored. So it's probably be a good time to look back at the year that's gone by before I head back home to begin the face-stuffing and catching up with friends.

Such an eventful 3rd year at Imperial has gone by that it'd be impractical to run through everything that's happened, especially amidst clearing candy crush levels while typing this. Yet, I shall attempt to list some things that have lodged themselves in my long-term memory bank, just so these meager words might trigger the torrential flood of memories again when I next read this:


Which brings me now to my 4th last day in Los Angeles. I really have no right to whine about being alone in LA because that's precisely what I thought I'd try doing since I couldn't find anyone to come with me to summer school. Well, the process of self-discovery was completed by the end of my first week here. Business Law and Urban Planning are fascinating modules and I thoroughly enjoy them, and that I'm doing well at. But it sucked big time to be away from all friends and family, something I should have known I would have felt, especially having to fly off the day after getting back to London from France in the company of friends I've come to treasure in a way I never knew how to before. And so I whined and was needy on WhatsApp. Way too much. It was terrible in those first few days, when time seemed to take forever to pass. At the same time, there was long-distance coordination and planning to do for OCF summer events, which I wisely chose to be in-charge of, apparently forgetting that I was going to be in a different continent, which I knew had to be attended to even though I'd have rather just moped and felt sad.

Thank God for unexpectedly present friends, friends (old and new) who visited, and friends who could be visited. Nothing really helped the feeling of longing though, and day after day passed so slowly as I counted down the weeks to the day of my flight home. Life sucked for a long while, even while I tried to squash the feeling of suckiness and spend my time productively. Yet, this was the period of time I found out a lot about the way I think and behave as I read books like Tim Keller's Counterfeit Gods and Malcolm Gladwell's What The Dog Saw. It was in what I dramatised to be my emotional valley of death that I once again learnt to lean on my only true source of comfort, when communicating with anyone else, even those I consider to be my closest friends, didn't help to ease the misery. Dear Bennett of the future, you really weren't exaggerating when you typed this. You were so lonely. Poor boy. That said, I'm thankful for any form of communication with friends offered throughout this period, even simple things like the completely random Skype call from Ting Wei to check if I was disheveled and sobbing ceaselessly in anguish. And electronic hugs haha. Hugs always work (: All in, it's been a revealing 5 weeks and 7 hours, to say the least.

Ok I'm tired of trying to type in proper sentences with proper grammar and wondering how to phrase my thoughts coherently. Enough about summer school anyway. On to the next phase of summer with more coordination of OCF events and my final Sojourn as a participant. Having thought through so many life issues in all this time away, must apply right? So I'm going to cherish the times spent with close friends who I might/will not see for the next year, and maybe for years after that, and not let this emoness rule me every time I think about it. Actually it might really be a long long time away from them ='( STOP STOP ok life is tough so deal with it. At least now I know that I'm going to be conscious of not letting such amazing friendships slip away, not after hurting and pushing away 3 of my dearest friends almost consecutively in recent years. Reconciliation is a tough nut to crack, seriously.

About these friends, I really hope these relationships haven't changed since this post, at least not for the worse. Reflecting on them a month ago, it occurred to me that they're the only group of friends I've ever had who I've never lied to or thought of hiding from, even considering my other close friends of more than 10 years, and it struck me how incredibly special this is. Sounds like a very cheesy and lame adolescent blog comment because it's such a good and angelic thing to say, but when this trait was tested last week, it didn't fail, and I think for the first time in my life I found it ok to be honest about something I was afraid of saying. I was glad, really. Going to try my hardest not to let stupid, immature mistakes of the past mock my current and future relationships. Now I'm just glad to have these besties in my life (:

AAAAND my attention span is been stretched way beyond it's limit. More or less ended at the last bullet point I think. Time to finish studying for finals, now that I've let out all the restlessness of the night of absolute boredom. Till the next time I'm bored out of my mind. OUT.

whizzer; 2:04:00 pm