Wednesday, January 16, 2008

hello! i'm taking time off my precious studying time to blog! i think these days i only update when i'me feeling extremely happy or very sian and sad >.<

today was one of those sian days this year (so far) which seem to happen more often recently, just that i'm only blogging about it coz its just about one of the most disappointing times of the month.

somehow since the start of school this year, i've been very motivated by some unknown force to work hard until A's in 10 months time, and i suppose its starting to show a little result. and just when i was starting to feel slightly more confident about being able to achieve much more academically, the school system comes and pricks my nicely forming bubble. not that i don't agree with the reasoning, to cut a long story short and to save my precious mugging time, i just think its not fair that the school doesn't want to give students an opportunity to prove that they can do it (or at least try). this probably sounds quite incoherent but i just felt that. yeah. but whatever happens, i will have the peace of mind knowing that everything will work out according to God's purpose for my life. and this thought has kept me going a few times already the past 2 and a half weeks.

well anyway, had pizza lunch meeting with mr toh and ms tan and mr pan, who is super cool and whom i'm glad is our teacher i/c. its these random things and just not having to do anything specific that help to distract me from whatever's on my mind. so after mr toh left practice and sectionals where superficial things seemed to have clouded my mind, it was very sian again T.T i mean i was going through my sian phase again. and for some reason when people were talking about the music and what not i was thinking to myself that i don't care about singing anymore, and why should i care that we're working towards some intangible goal, because soon it will be all gone. not that i was contributing much anyway. then i started getting annoyed that we couldn't achieve simple stuff like getting the rhythm right. then i remembered that i suck too. so i was super irritated at myself. and lots of other things. then i realised i'm not doing this for whoever else i might think of or even myself, and i was being shallow and childish in a way. then i remembered that in whatever i do, there should only be one objective and point of focus. so i sort of stopped feeling too sian =S

haha i think val is right in a way when she frequently exclaims that "life sucks". especially this year. you can't even afford to breakdown and stop doing whatever you're doing, because you'll be swept away and end up struggling to keep on top of everything. like when you feel that you're just going through the routine and not actually achieving anything and you want to have your own quiet space for a while to recover and take stock of your life. thank God for always being there to depend on.

oh and another thing that's bugging me are the issues that keep presenting themselves that involve a conflict of beliefs of my own that i don't really have answers to. i hope this sian/emotional/mood-swing phase ends soon. i don't like feeling sad..its so unnatural.

thanks quan for always being so sensitive. and thanks suet for running all the way towards raffles room to say bye and be concerned (: i missed julian at math lecture today :( hahaha get well soon julian!! X)

whizzer; 9:50:00 pm